Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Surviving Insanity

Posted by Audrey Michelle Spoken Word Artist

Surviving Insanity

I once tried to kill myself.

I wasn’t successful in my attempt, though I don’t think I cared either way at that point. I had reached rock bottom and ambivalence is the only emotion that survives there.

It is said that only the good die young and I have never been good enough for anything.

Thoughts of dying were constant within my abused mind. They occupied my bed, attended every meal and followed my every movement. I was buried alive and the air that I breathed lasted way too long.

In the moment that could have been my last, I didn’t know the difference between right and wrong. I was crazy. I wasn’t the “hearing voices” kind of crazy though. There was only one voice I ever heard and it was not self-created. I could close my eyes and shield his face but there was no way to vanquish his belittlement. His words were dehumanizing and the pain they inflicted was willful. Through the years of torture his beliefs became my own. Once he gained full control of my mind he manipulated reality, distorted my perceptions and forced my behaviors.

If I had died, it wouldn’t have been by suicide.

The attempt was involuntary, a reflex. His abuse was like a hammer that never stopped striking, in the instance of my near death experience, he just happened to hit the right tendon.

Somehow I was able to escape his manipulation while maintaining my life. It took all that I had and years of recovery, but I am now as close to sane as I’ve ever been.

In retrospect, I realize I was accountable for the attempt on my life. I was brainwashed however nothing and no one can dominate a mind that does not surrender control.

I no longer desire to die and there is something to be said for surviving insanity; Lunacy makes for really good poetry.


-- Audrey Michelle

46 comment(s) - CLICK HERE to Post Your Comment:

  1. Audrey...Powerful stuff...very meaningful for survivors...Thanks Steve

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  2. i have read and heard of the this belittlement and the constant abuse day and day and finally the will is broken, my step son went into the marines a goof ball alwys full of life joking about everything. he returned from boot camp
    solemn face, no emotions withdrawn they broke
    but somehow they rebuilt him. and he is back to normal 4 years later, very well written it catches the reader every line soaked in, drawn to the next, a furious rage when we find a person caused the shallow hollow figure he made you feel enought to not want to live,
    and emerged a vibrant beauty. that ignites the flames in men just looking at you.
    wow
    welcome to blogspot, or bloggers.com
    i had to use blogspot.com to write the obits for my best friend could not write and post on myspace for the general public.

    a little piece of scar tissue from your heart
    was used to write this, and with it, I now know a little more about you.............
    your friend
    JOE

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  3. I so appreciate you both commenting - thank you. This is a brand new venue for me so it means so much. I'm glad (but sorry) that you can relate.

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  4. Audrey,
    I can't tell you how moved I was by this. I've been trying to contact you on myspace to let you know how much I enjoy your poems and how happy I am that you added me as a friend. If you only knew what has happened to me in the last 2 days, you would see why this touched me so.
    Lisa

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  5. I know this path all too well. This is a great blog and I am so very glad you survived so I could enjoy your wonderful works.

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  6. your always so brave....and it all flows.....i love everything u have to say........x

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  7. Audrey,
    Hatred from myspace here.
    Your blog is so moving. The world is a much better place with you still in it. You truly have a Guardian Angel looking after you. I am thankful to have both you and Gavin as my friends. I love you my friend.

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  8. Bud from MySpace babe.

    Sounds like something from the gang in the Suicide Kings would say. Still strong stuff.
    Glad you back up, got it together and got something (Your son) to live for.

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  9. I love all my MySpace friends!!! Thank you guys :)

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  10. Words of a true survivor. We never give ourselves enough credit, for the strength and courage of dealing with the after-effects of abuse. It is devastating, and many don't make it.
    Very empowering write, Audrey Michelle.

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  11. I told you you could write a book Missy!
    xoxo

    Nyla

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  12. Very powerful words. It is too bad one person is so horrible to make another feel the way you have. Glad you found a way back.

    You made me cry.

    Your myspace friend,
    C. Casey

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  13. I find this simply beautiful. I know many people who have gone through very simmilar events in their life. Getting through such things can only make us stronger.
    -Jessy

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  14. I'm sorry you went through something like that. Fortunately, you came out stronger for it.


    It reminds me of one of my favorite quotes...

    "Damn it, Bones, you're a doctor. You know that pain and guilt can't be taken away with a wave of a magic wand. They're the things we carry with us, the things that make us who we are. If we lose them, we lose ourselves. I don't want my pain taken away! I need my pain!"- Captain James T. Kirk, Star Trek V: The Final Frontier

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  16. audrey, very powerful and moving, i am very thankful that u did not succeed in taking your life. For what its worth it should be (the good live life to the fullest)I hope that you have had a chance to read some of my blogs on myspace I would really enjoy your input on them. your myspace friend cuddles

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  18. If you comment from MySpace please leave your url with your comment.

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  19. I have been to this city. Was it you that I saw there as we both passed by fueled by the thought of liberation from hell.

    Yes, my friend, this like your poetry is strong and clear asking nothing demanding acknowledgement. You gave that to yourself and now life is no longer the same.

    Over a heart break I had planned my descent in my yellow 67 mustang down the ski slope hil to crash into the cemetery wall to lsiten to romantic songs sung over my immaturity seeking my own acknowledgment.

    The rest of the story, you know. We sing our own liberation song in the harmony of an alive power to will self direction.

    Where to next, I am sure I will see you there, too.

    "O"

    I am so very proud of you.

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  20. I've never understood the mind that would contemplate suicide. You've written this so well that now I'm as close as I've ever been. Very well done.

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  21. audrey, my sweet friend, your words are truthful and powerful. i also, have overcome such insanities and feel you described it eloquently and truthfully. wonderful writing. as usual. j

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  22. Audrey. I have been a big fan of yours since the beginning. Every sentence you put on paper is written with such conviction. I love your non poetry. Its incredible. I felt the emotion within the words. My Hats off to you Audrey. Keep up the fantastic work

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  23. It took a month to write - just couldn't get it right.

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  24. So glad Dean :) I was very nervous about it

    Thank Hyzakyt - that was such a meaningful comment to me. I miss you!

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  25. I READ IT GIRL AND THAT IS SOME VERY POWERFUL STUFF AND I AM SO SORRY YOU HAD TO GO THROUGH THAT!!!! THIS MAD ME CRY!! YOU ARE SO AMAZING

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  26. Really powerful and moving stuff here....Having had suicide impact my own life several times, I have strong opinions on the subject. I am glad that you got to a point of being able to recognize that ultimately you were accountable for the final choice to attempt to end your life, but I have no doubt that had it not been for his domination you wouldn't have been in that state of mind. Your statement about "no one can dominate a mind that does not surrender control" is such a difficult thing to learn and far too many of us give away our power too easily to those who don't deserve it...I have been guilty of that myself.

    Thanks for inviting me to read...this is powerful and took courage to write and post. Kudos to you!

    MGA (My Guardian Angel) from Myspace:)

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  27. Thanks so much - I still worry I'll do it again. Maybe that's why I stay alone...

    If we allow ourselves to blame others for our actions we are assuming the victim role and I am no longer a victim.

    Thank You :)

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  28. Wow. I'm amazed and proud of you for surviving that ordeal.

    And hey, now I can stalk you outside of MySpace. YAY!

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  29. I can relate my dear.

    I wanted to die a day at a time for years...more dissolve or disappear by just fading away. That seems like a long time ago-like twenty years. Now I want to live more than I ever did.

    I love my life.

    You rock!

    Mondo

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  30. Great Job.

    your friends from Myspace. Did you remember me. ?

    addkali.

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  31. Well, if it is true that someone hurt you like that, I am sorry and also thankful for you honesty and the love you share in self disclosure. However, I was falsely and officially accused as a pretext or opening to a divorce, and I think about these prevalent "abusive" situations far differently than most people do. I see it usually as an assault on minority male interests by the government most of the time. Have you also noticed, that the so-called "Amber Alerts" to "rescue" children mostly have to do with the kids being taken by their own parents, in custody disputes? I believe in families, for real, and I believe in Heads of Households, that would be me, too. I am a Mediterranean Culture Italian American guy, and I can recreate Western Civilization single handed. Looks like America is going to need my abilities sooner rather than later. That is my comment. Tony Soprano Lives!

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  32. Your Spirit is strong, Audrey.

    Mental abuse can be far worse than physical abuse because the wounds usually can't be seen and take much longer to heal.

    I never formally tried to kill myself, although many would say I drank so much I was playing Russian Roulette almost every night for years. That ended over 23 years ago. 'I' chose life over insanity and death.

    To skate the fine edge between reality and the abyss, one comes to understand what reality is and what it is not, where we end and where others begin, what is truly important- our needs not our wants, and that we are ultimately responsible for our own decisions and the consequences of our actions.

    I danced on the edge and nearly lost my balance. Now I don't venture too close to the edge, because I know what's there and what's not there. However, if my memories start to fad fate will remind me.

    The only ones who are sane are the ones who freely admit they are crazy. Bwaaaa. See you on the funny farm. LOL

    one_sapien

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  33. Yes I can relate too....I understand how you can get so ground down....being the victim....BUT...I don't think you need to worry about a repeat...you said "I am no longer a victim". BOOM...that's all one needs to know. Great write Audrey!

    Smilin Dave from Myspace

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  34. Dear Audrey,

    I have always believed that it takes enourmous strength to be able to feel at the lowest of levels. Because you are so special in heart you gave to the deepest you possibly could. Thank you for sharing. In my blog on my space I reposted "In a Dream" last evening. This has to do with the suicide scenario and those or what helps to bring you out. You are a courageous and vivacious woman. Your right, more in understanding for write.
    peace, bonnie d www.myspace.com/naleonga

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  35. Precious....what doesnt "kill" you only makes you stronger...keep the faith

    love always

    Gopal

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  36. Audrey...very powerful write and I am so happy you overcame. I am also proud of you for finding an artistic outlet to channel your negative feelings and pain. Your writing really represents your ability to do that and your awesome talent.
    I love you my friend, always be strong!!
    Katherine
    Myspace friend KatkaChicago
    PS. I am using my husbands google account so I can post =)

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  37. You couldn't possibly know how much I can totally relate to this post. I am so glad that you feel closer to being sane. I don't. Read my latest blog on myspace and you will understand that I understand every single word of this. I KNOW all too well those haunting thoughts that follow you everywhere you go...bed, every meal, and always always when I look in the mirror. My difficulty now is taking back control...even after all these years. My abusers were many, and I am fighting so hard, Audrey. I'm freaking bawling my head off right now. You have given me something I did not expect to find in this day. You, my dear friend have given me HOPE, and for that I love you BUNCHES!

    PS I am on my boyfriend's laptop...so it's posting under his address...LOL

    ~*~The Queen~*~

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  38. The poetics of life are as varied as the lines of the poems they inspire. Whether madness or love, sadness, happiness, or suicidal thoughts, they all can inspire and have inspired.

    People say "What doesn't kill us makes us stronger", but what I'd like to suggest is that much more than that is true. It's not just the bad, it's the good as well.

    So I hope that we're fortunate enough to take from the positive and negative the same... May it all make us stronger so that the wiser we become, the more we realize everything was positive all along.

    The world is a better place that you are still in it, by the way :)

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  40. It was powerful that you were able to communicate and share such an experience. Abuse dehumanizes us and we can feel that we are broken. The good news is that you have reclaimed your life. Further, you have been able to publicly enhance the lives of others. You are an artist and truly wonderful person. In celebration of you surviving and thriving. Big warm embrace, Rev. Bookburn - Radio Volta

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  41. I'm so glad you weren't successful. I need you in my life, even if only at this level.

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  42. Audrey, I am new to all of this. We share two commonalities, the love and writing of poetry, and the crushing hand of losing your heart and hope to abuse. Your piece is a celebration of triumph over your circumstance, and the strength you hold within. I have always found that writing my way out of things protects a very sound mind. Poets feel things more deeply, see things more deeply, and though those very qualities can sometimes send us diving into the deepest depths of the events in our lives, they are also the keys to our revelations. I am a fan, keep living, experiencing, and please continue to share your gift. I look forward to reading more of your work.
    Lora Bayh

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  43. Audrey Michelle,

    Frisky Boy from MySpace here.

    I have had a few friends who have gone through this exact ordeal. It sickens me to my core to know there are still guys out there who use words, and sometimes a lot more, to break the will and spirit of those under their power. I wish there was a way to end this phenomenon entirely.
    You are a strong woman to escape this trap. I'm glad that you are here, to share your talent, and more importantly, your spirit with the world.

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  44. Thank Heaven you're still with us dear Audrey. You are a gem and we love ya so much. Your words, your voice, your spirit. Just be who you are and nothing more, nothing less. Now we MUST have you FOREVER!! Did you here me....FOREVER!!!

    Hugs always.

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  45. Really brave and powerful write... I know, been there.

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  46. Experiences, emotions within those experiences make us the people we are.Roses only grow with the odd shovel of shit shovelled on them now and again anyway!Keep writing, you!

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